Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A Memory to Sleep On

Below is a description of a memory from childhood I fell asleep thinking about last night. When my alarm went off this morning, I immediately started crying. I guess my emotions were being carried over from the memory.

I haven't been able to shake the feelings of sadness today (hence writing about this on my lunch break!). The memory is so much more peaceful than many other ones from childhood, but I guess it is powerful because it encompasses the feelings of emotional abandonment and neglect I've felt for most of my life.

I just realized that was a big confession to myself.

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The yelling was too much. Even when it wasn't directed at me, it still made my insides feel as though they were in a knot. Survival 101: get me out of this house.

I played in the garage for a while, but even there, I couldn't escape the yelling permeating from the second floor of our house. I went far into our backyard. Still no relief.

You would think that after a while I could have gotten used to the constant yelling, but I don't ever remember adjusting to it.

I walked back up to my house and took some of the sidewalk chalk we had leftover from an Easter egg hunt that was held at our house. I wrote a note on our sidewalk saying that I was leaving and didn't know when I would be back. A runaway note, to some degree, I guess.

I walked deep into the woods behind our house. I went to the spot that I usually visited with friends. It was also a spot I sometimes visited alone for refuge from the craziness in my house.

I don't remember how long I was out there, but it was after dark by the time I headed home.

When I arrived, the sidewalk note was still there. No one had noticed I was gone. Mixed feelings of relief and resignation.

I took a water hose, rinsed away my message, and headed upstairs to my room, accepting tonight would not be the night I found freedom.

Once up in my room, I heard my dad race down the stairs followed by the slamming of our front door. I stared out the window through the brass bars of my bed, covered with Garbage Pail Kid stickers, as my dad sped out of the driveway.

5 comments:

  1. Just wanted to give u this. (((YOU)))

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    1. Thank you, Jaime! Right back at ya! ;)
      (((Jaime)))

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  2. This post resonates with me as well. When my parents were arguing and yelling at one another, I cringed inside. I even remember pleading with them to stop. They still divorced. I used to hide as well. Overhearing them yell. Feelings of isolation came upon me. Hugs to you my friend. ((((WWF))))

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    1. Thanks so much, JBR. I'm sorry that yelling was so present during your childhood as well. I really appreciate you sharing your experience here. Sending you many hugs in return! Hope you have a nice weekend. xx

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  3. My parents argued horribly..it was awful for me as a child and I would never, ever subject my children to that. I wanted to ask a seperate question and hoped to email you but when I click the contact me link above, it does not give me an emai. I have read many of your posts and I wonder how you would have liked to have been supported after your sexual assault? I think it is hard to know what to say or do. As I type this, my best guess is to just ask someone what they need and what can I do but it is really hard to know what is helpful.

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