Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I emotion-surfed right on over to my clinical externship :)

I've been rather MIA recently so I wanted to post a quick update. And not to mention, things are going fairly well right now, and I do not want to miss an opportunity to write a positive post!

Last Tuesday I began my externship at an outpatient rehabilitation hospital for adults. I am excited to begin this phase of my graduate program - it's a great learning experience AND it means I'm close to being done! :)

The days leading up to the externship start date were quite tough because, before beginning the clinic work, I needed to complete a nice chunk of my make up work from the semester I took off (i.e., to deal with myself). I haven't written much about this yet, but for quite some time, it has been really difficult for me to get things accomplished, particularly school work. 
I don't completely understand why, but on many occasions when I have attempted to buckle down and complete assignments, I have felt overwhelmed with depression and an emotional surge that threatened to send me into trigger oblivion. Because I really needed to check off some assignments pronto, I decided to push through the unpleasant emotional NONSENSE, assuring myself that there is nothing inherently sad or threatening about schoolwork. 

As frequently is the case, my mind and emotions had a little miscommunication, and I felt...dreadful! It didn't help that I was still recovering from the psychiatry appointment I had attended earlier in the week; sometimes it takes me a few days to bounce back from triggering moments. Before, I would slip into avoidance before having to deal with any mounting emotional discomfort - do you blame me? Who wants to consider, why the heck studying acoustics makes me cry harder than attending a funeral?! Quite bizarre, I do actually have some theories that I'll go into those another day! :)

Anyway, this go round, I just thought to myself, "Just bring all the rain!" 

And, well, the rain did come...and quite a lot of it...three full days of intense crying to be exact, the duration of time I committed myself to completing assignments. I stopped for short breaks when the crying became too intense, but, and it's a huge BUT, I completed a great deal of coursework in which I desperately needed!

I am getting much better at this whole emotion-surfing notion my therapist introduced me to a while back! The emotional waves may come and go, but I don't have to dive completely under water and avoid them completely. Nor do I have to stand there and resist them, and in the mean time, get trampled down by water. Yes, I can surf them, riding out their highs and lows, until the waves dissipates. No harm done there!

Right before I began writing this post, I took my sleeping medication so I will have to stop there and pick back up later. Sweet dreams!


  1. Good for you girl - riding the waves and moving forward with your life. As you move out more and more of the trauma, your brain will be freer and freer to take in new information. May I lovingly suggest that one of the things that Bellaruth Naperstek talks about all the time is that if a therapy is not supporting your ability to function then it might not be the right kind of therapy for you -- just a gentle loving thought because sometimes we can get caught up in a therapeutic relationship and believe that the therapist/psychiatrist knows what's best and we forgot to trust our own instincts. I support your incredible strength and courage and thanks for sharing a positive post. You do need to rewire that body of yours and as you do, you'll be better able to manage the emotions and find you are in steadier and steadier states over time. Use all the amazing tools and resources at your disposal - and maybe consider using Bellaruth's guided imagery CD. There is going to be pain but you don't have to suffer. Much love to you xoxo and remember you are always stronger than you think you are. (Compliments of my yoga teacher)

    1. Hi Graceful Lady, as always, I find so much comfort and validation in your words. Not to mention, your helpful recommendations. I will look into the imagery CD. Guided imagery is something my therapist has been working with me on for quite some time, but I've realized I hear something in therapy, but then it takes me a few months to process and implement it in a helpful way.

      I completely agree with your statement regarding losing track of your intuition in therapeutic relationships. That one statement pretty much sums up my entire experience with therapy as a college student who was treated for every psychiatric disorder under the sun instead of the root of my problems.

      Luckily, I have a wonderful therapist right now, who is very intuitive in regard to empowering me to make decisions, etc. The reason for the psychiatry appointment being so rough is that I had to rehash everything for an initial intake evaluation - YUCK, yuck, BIG YUCK! Because I'm very unsure about where I stand with medication, I am proceeding cautiously with psychiatric treatment. Thank you for the reminder and validation regarding knowing what's best for myself.

      Thanks again for your support and insight. And many thanks to your yoga teacher as well ;) xxx

  2. I am glad you have caught up with a lot of your school work.

    Studying acoustics as in how an environment affects the movement of sound pressure waves?

    If you were me I would say that your Synesthesia is getting to you. As I have said before sound causes visual images in my minds that I can see as if I were seeing them with my own eyes. It is rare but Synesthesia has been knows to let sound cause emotional reactions.

    Maybe the stress of learning about acoustics is just making it easier to become emotional. I really have know idea other than that.

    I'm glad u r feeling better, and I hope you slept good.

    1. Thanks so much, Jaime. I did sleep quite well - though I did not want to move when my alarm went off!

      Yes, you are correct regarding what my acoustics class covers. By the way, it's not just the acoustics material that causes the emotional reaction - it's been a common occurrence for all school work. I'll write more later regarding why I think it's been so difficult to complete assignments. When I sat through it, I tried to track my thoughts. Don't know if I'm correct, but speculation seems to help me on these types of things.

      Anyway, I find what you said about synesthesia pretty fascinating. Such an interesting quality you have!

      Thanks again for your comments and kind words. (((((Jaime)))))

  3. I see such potential in you. You are progressing nicely. Determination is a set priority in your life. That is evident. Glad you were able to get your school work up to date. Let them tears flow. All in the healing process. I am so grateful that I found your blog and grateful of the support you have given me. Blessings and safe hugs to you dear one.

    1. Thank you so much, JBR!!! I'm so very thankful for our online friendship. Have a wonderful weekend! xx