Friday, May 25, 2012

My Story: Home, sweet...home?

Sobbing, I called my parents two weeks into Spring semester of my sophomore year of college.

I need to go home, and I need to leave here - now.
I'm...miserable. I can't take it any more. I'm actually losing my mind. 

I had no idea what Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) were at the time, but I had a textbook case. I was doing everything the doctors were telling me to do, which mainly involved reducing my alcohol intake and staying on top of my prescription meds; however, when I returned to school to begin my spring semester, there was something happening inside me that no amount of Zyprexa, Risperdal, Depakote, Wellbutrin, or Ativan could mask.

Even writing about this right now is making my heart pound in my chest. I have to breathe and remind myself that I am in a safe place. It's a weird concept to me - this telling myself that I am safe now - because was I ever really not safe?

I have difficulty describing what was happening inside me during this time. I was experiencing emotions, but they didn't feel like the traditional emotions - fear, sadness/hurt, anger, or joy. If I had to choose from the basic emotions, I would say that I was experiencing all four of them in a disorganized, chaotic sort of way. Even joy, I think. 

It wasn't pleasant joy. It was more like weird waves of energy and dissociation. A feeling like there was no foundation upon which I could stand anymore. A feeling like if I didn't stop running, I would fall into a deep hole. A deep abyss where there was no...Me.

I felt a longing to go home. At home, I felt like I would feel safe again. I would be reminded of who I was. I could regain my footing in the world. Reestablish my foundation and feel whole again. I was 19, but I wanted nothing more than to run into my parents' arms and have them take care of me. I never imagined - never, ever, ever - that going home for that semester was one of the worst, if not the worst, decisions I could have made. 

I used to think that there was some universal law that meant parents still loved you - for you - no matter how badly you screwed up. That parents had some remarkable innate quality that enabled them to see the best in their children no matter what. I thought fathers remained protective of their daughters no matter how old they were. And that if a guy ever harmed one's daughter, particularly if a guy ever raped her, the father would want to hunt the guy down? 

Of course, there is no universal law that states this - I sure wish the One up above would write one! I can't control my parents any more than I can control the rest of the universe, but I am going to make sure that unconditional love is no stranger in the lives of my future children.

I had written out a lot more for this post and ended up impulsively deleting it. I'm going to listen to myself and recognize that I am not ready to go there. It doesn't mean I'll never be. Just not tonight.

And that's okay.

13 comments:

  1. I feel sorry for how your parents ended up reacting to your situation.
    I just hope you are safe.
    tight hugs.. <3
    Love, Shadow

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    1. Thank you so much for your support, Shadow. It really means a lot. I hope that you are having a nice Memorial Day weekend. (((((Shadow)))))

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  2. Dear one I am so very sorry that you did not receive the support of your parents. I am learning, even though our circumstances are different. We can still apply them, that when things come up that hurt us. I try and remember now, "It is NOT about me. It is their issues." Easier said and done, I know. But, at least it is a start with regards to your parents.

    Dear one, thank you again for all your kind comments to me. I am thinking that the Blogging World this weekend will be somewhat quiet due to the holiday. Keep safe and hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks so much, JBR. So very true - their issues, not ours. The more I delve into this stuff, instead of denying it, the more I understand and accept that fact. Hope you are having a wonderful, relaxing Memorial Day weekend :)

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  3. I hope you are enjoying this amazing weekend during which we acknowledge both grief and sadness and celebration. It might be a good time to reread "A Daughter's Supposed To..." blog post.http://newworldgreetings.blogspot.com/2012/04/daughters-supposed-to.html I know how it resonated with you and am so blessed and grateful that my journey can help with your healing. By the way - did you change the background to your blog or did I just notice how Heal jumps out at me. I've been where you are and it creates so much suffering but you are on the healing path as you write about moving toward acceptance. The sooner we can forgive and move into acceptance, the sooner we find our freedom. I'm glad you were able to get your words and feelings out and then delete them. It's a great metaphor for healing - get it out and then hit the delete button. I love you xoxo

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    1. Hi Graceful Lady, thank you so much for your kind words and support. The idea of looking within for the responsibility and true power of healing is something I really have been focusing on. I will definitely be revisiting the post you listed because I remember it hit so well on that point. LOVE the metaphor, by the way! :) Thanks again for everything. xxx

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  4. It is totally okay to go at your own pace.

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    1. Thanks so much, Iris. I hope that you are having a nice, relaxing weekend. xx

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  5. Everyone deserves the kind of protective parents that you longed for. I am sorry that for whatever reason you didn't get the reaction from them that you deserved. It is so hard to deal with the emotions of a trauma like this. It is so hard to feel like who we remember feeling like, or even that we can find ourselves after something like this. It makes us feel so lost.

    You will one day write all of your emotions out and find a path through your fear that will allow you to share them. Rather that day was yesterday, today, tomorrow, or a hundred years from now we will be here for you. We are here to listen and understand.

    You have already defeated your adversary, you have already defeated your rapist, and you have already defeated your self doubt and pain. All that is left is for you to expel the residual negative emotions so that you can truly feel comfortable in your own skin. Only you can determine the right pace to set and I HAVE FAITH in YOU that YOU will get to the FINISH LINE.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jaime. It means a lot knowing that you are listening. I appreciate everything you said regarding how far I have come. Sometimes I forget and other times it's hard to see. I'll be able to look back at this post and your comment during those times. Again, thank you so much for you support. xxx

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  6. So sorry to hear that you didn't get the support and love you needed.

    blessings to you on your journey,
    Alida

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    1. Alida, thank you for reading and for your kind words. xx

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