When it comes down to it, I am sick of feeling like this. Like a rape victim. I know some might argue that my actions and desire to get better make me a survivor, but if this is what “surviving” feels like, well, I’m not a fan of this title either.
I would love to just abandon all of my feelings right now, or just at least put them on a shelf for a week or so. I feel like all I do is feel – feel, feel, feel, feel, feel, FEEL – yuck, I’m just so sick of feeling. Even that word is striking me as annoying right now. Ugh.
Having so many feelings makes me feel more out of control and just plain crazy. I think of myself as a positive person, but then again, I have all of these negative feelings running rampant inside me right now, which makes me feel even crazier. Like perhaps my perception of myself is off or something. I go through a hundred different emotions a day (both good and bad); the only adjective that consistently and accurately describes how I feel is crazy.
A new emotion that has recently emerged is weird anger. The reason I say “weird anger” is because it isn’t anger like I usually think of as anger. Nevertheless, I think it qualifies as anger.
Sometimes I feel so angry, but I’m not sure at what. It’s not necessary pure anger though. It’s like I sometimes feel such extreme anger to the point of tears. So, kind of like sad anger, but sometimes it feels more like I’m just frustrated to the point of tears and angry about it. I’m working really hard these days on changing my inner dialogue and following my therapist’s advice to “be gentle with yourself,” but I’ve found that doing so takes away my target at which I usually direct my anger.
So now I catch myself looking around for outlets to express my anger and frustration, but there are none – or at least none that would be deemed socially appropriate – available.
For example, I was in the library the other day – the Divinity Library, nonetheless – and the book I wanted was in a different location than I anticipated. Usually, this wouldn’t have bothered me so much, but I felt like I wanted to shake something. I saw all of the bookshelves lined up like dominoes, and for a split second, I was ready to just go for it. But I ended up stomping my feet like a little kid instead.
Afterwards, when I was in the library elevator (which is insanely small), two men got in, too. When the elevator door opened on my floor, I didn’t feel like the man in front of me initiated exiting soon enough, and for a split second, I got the urge to just push him with full force onto his face. The urge was so strong, but short-lived (thankfully!), and within moments, I was chuckling to myself at the ridiculousness of the entire scenario. Coo coo for cocoa puffs…
Frequently, I feel wired and disconnected from my life and surroundings. I start to almost get strangely philosophical, asking questions like, “What’s the point of the everyday?” I went to Target the other day to purchase cleaning supplies and binders and things. As I was in the check out line, it just seemed ridiculous and almost comical to be buying such objects. The fact that I would need them and use them just seemed foreign to me. Like I was preparing to play some weird role in a play and was buying props for the occasion.
Also, I’ve been having A LOT of anxiety. Crazy anxiety. The kind that makes you sick on your stomach.
I finally got fed up with feeling like crap, which led me to research sexual assault centers in my area. It wasn’t necessarily one particular incident; it’s just that I’ve been concerned that I’m not getting any better. I found a center that targets sexual assault and has really good reviews from its clients. I ended up making an appointment, and I had my initial evaluation today. I am on the waiting list for treatment, and they told me that they are hopeful a spot will open up over the next few weeks.
I’ve felt really positive since the meeting. Calmer and more in control. I’m really looking forward to starting therapy there. I will keep going to my current therapist, but I will supplement that therapy with what I receive at this center. More on that later – I am off to treat myself to some sushi! YUM J