Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Where do I go from here?

I feel like I’m on the brink of cracking, but I don’t know what that means. I’m trying so hard to stay present, so hard to “heal,” but it feels like for every step forward, I slip several back. I’m trying to remain positive, but it’s really hard when I can’t tell that I’m getting better. I feel like I’m wallowing in the same shit, but don’t know any alternative. How do I put this behind me? It is crippling, and I feel so alone and just plain tired. I am exhausted. How many tears have to fall in order to put something like this behind me? I know there’s no “right” or “wrong” feeling – which I’m so sick of reading and hearing – but I need to know what I’m feeling is “right.” That I will get over this. That I’m not crazy or weak for being so hurt by something that happened ages ago. That there isn’t something inherently wrong with me that makes me susceptible to hurt and suffering. That I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing right now. That this will make me get better. I don’t have to have a timeline; I just want to know that what I’m doing is “right” and that I’m moving in the right direction. I just can’t do this alone. I don’t trust myself that I am doing the right thing. All this hurt just feels pointless and counterproductive, and I can’t say that I trust my perception.

I had therapy on Monday, which I thought went fairly well. It was a difficult session, but I shared some journal entries and talked more than I’ve talked in the past about this stuff. There was a lot of crying and emotion during the session, but I was happy that I got out more words than usual. I’m really, really trying. I just feel like I’m on a hamster wheel not going anywhere. I don’t even know if I know what I need. I’ll write a more in depth summary perhaps tomorrow, but I’m too tired to recount any details at the moment.

I got my makeup exam back on Monday after therapy my therapy session. I originally thought that I had done really well, but I literally almost failed it (61%). I am in graduate school and cannot afford to make these kinds of grades. It’s ridiculous. I feel like my brain is fried, and I can’t trust my perception. If I had gotten an 81%, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but it’s very strange to think you’re going to get an A, and then get a D-.

I met with the professor of that class yesterday and felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I was so overcome by emotion and, I guess, panic that I was shaking and crying. I kept getting dizzy and dissociating. My professor ended up walking me through relaxation and grounding activities. It was so embarrassing. I just couldn’t get it to stop. The more I tried, the more I lost control. My emotions were controlling me. My professor for that class doesn’t know anything more than that I’ve been having difficulty with anxiety and depression, but she just kept telling me that it was good and healthy that I was letting it all out. I want to believe her, but it doesn’t feel like the right thing. But I can’t figure out the right thing. Whenever I think I’ve got it, and I’m on the right path, I completely lose sight of everything. Is this really healing? Is this really necessary? Am I wallowing in past pain for no reason? Is there another way to get better? What the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I don’t feel like myself. I want to be me. I don’t want it to take so much effort to be happy. To live life to the fullest. Everything just seems so overwhelming sometimes.

I can’t help but criticize myself sometimes. I want to “be gentle to myself,” to trust that I deserve to be, but I can’t help but feel like what happened to me doesn’t warrant this craziness. I know this sounds terrible, but I wish he had done it while I was sober, so that I could have fought him. Instead, I just lay there saying “ouch” and “what are you doing” and blah, blah, blah. Now I feel I am stuck with all the hurt of having been raped without a real reason to feel this way. I really hope this doesn’t offend anyone. If it does, I am truly sorry. It’s just what I am feeling at the moment, and I just wish I had been sober. I hate feeling like I don’t have a reason to feel like this. I feel like if I could have fought him, I would feel more justified in feeling like shit. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed right now I feel sick to my stomach. Life is too short to go around feeling like this. I have to get it together.

I can’t go into depression again. I promised myself that I would fight depression with everything that’s in me. So, what am I going to do?

I am going to keep crying with the hope that one day I will run out of tears.

I am going to “give my permission” to throw myself this stupid pity party, and when I find the strength, I am going to go walk to place where my car was towed yesterday. Yes, my car was towed yesterday…I forgot to move it because I was so emotional in the meeting with my professor, and it got towed. That is actually kind of funny.

Then, I am going to eat a salad to counteract all of the junk I’ve been eating.

Then I am going to go the library and check out Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman because I saw that it has been returned.

Afterwards, I will go to an exercise class. I have wanted to try one of the exercise classes with the ballerina bar, so I am going to force myself to do it.

I will ask a friend to pick me up for class tomorrow to ensure that I arrive on time.

Okay, that’s what I will do. I have some control over this I think.

I can do this. I must do this.

10 comments:

  1. So sorry you are having a tough time :( I can really relate to feeling like you don't have a reason to be so damn distraut- I ask myself/tell myself often, "What the hell are you doing?! Get it together! You have been working hard and should be OK!" But that really isn't productive because it doesn't help me feel better about myself- only worse. So..I have no answers for this as of yet :/ But I'm glad you made a plan for tomorrow- I hope that it works for you. Wishing you the best of luck with a new day :) xxx

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    1. Thanks so much! The next day actually did go a lot better. You're so right - the self-criticism is counterproductive. Something I have to keep reminding myself of. Thanks again for your encouragement and kind words! xxx

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  2. Part 1 of 2
    I completely understand what you are talking about when you say that you with you were sober at the time. It's like being drunk had robbed your ability to fight back, and the fact that you chose to drink, makes you feel guilty. I have a question for you. If "A" would have slipped drugs into your drink that compromised you to such a degree would you feel guilty in that situation? I doubt it. The thing is you need to keep in mind that "A" had been slipping drugs into you all night long, alcohol is a drug. He was all too willing to make it very, very, very easy for you to become overly intoxicated because his actions were premeditated.

    Being robbed of our body is such a horrible thing, but when we think about on top of that being robbed of our ability to fight back, that really messes with our heads. "A" created the right circumstances so that you would be unable to fight back. I know what you are thinking, you are thinking the same thing I am thinking.

    "I should have known, I should have seen the signs. Why didn't I see him for the creep he was?"

    Well, many people who intend on doing harm purposely create a situation in which the victim trusts the assailant. "A" created that situation over a several year period of time, and then he put the icing on this proverbial trust cake when he LIED to you and said that he was willing to wait. You had no way of knowing then, and even now I can tell that you can't quite grasp onto the whole idea that his actions toward you was planned. I personally think he planned it the night of the long talk, but it could have been while he was filling your glass with alcohol, or while he walked you home. I promise you this, he didn't walk into your room and at that moment decide to hurt you, he already knew because he created the circumstances.

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    1. Jaime, this was really helpful. Something I needed to hear and know that I will need to hear over and over again. Thank you for providing me with something that I can refer back to whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed with self-doubt and blame. I found this helpful when I read it for the first time yesterday, and I know that I will continue to find it helpful in the future. Thanks so much for your kind words and especially for the validation. xxx

      "proverbial trust cake" - haha, love it! :)

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  3. Part 2 of 2
    All the things you are feeling is justified. It may not be healthy to think on these things for a really long time, but it is very justifiable and common among survivors. All of these feelings and emotions make us feel like we are going "NUTS", but we aren't crazy for feeling all of this HURT because of the INSANITY of someone else, you aren't crazy. It is so easy for us to look at our sobbing selves in the mirror and and see a broken version of ourselves that shakes because the house creaks, or cries because our hearts feel torn in two, but crying and shaking is just a tool. It's a tool our mind uses to let this pain go, and we need to let that pain out without adding more pain to ourselves by accusing ourselves of being weak. It is hard to NOT think of ourselves as weak because we always try to look at ourselves through other people's eyes. We assume that if we have an unfavorable opinion of ourselves, everyone else's opinions of us must be much worse. There's a fallacy in that mindset, we can't see ourselves through someone else's eyes, it is impossible. All we can do is trust in the words that another person tells us, but trust in others isn't easy, especially after it had been so egregiously violated. You can trust me when I tell you that you aren't weak. You can trust me when I tell you that you are not crazy. You can believe me when I say that with the hard work, the RIGHT work that you are doing, YOU WILL GET OVER THIS. All timelines have one thing in common, they have a beginning. You think your timeline began more than nine years ago, but that wasn't the beginning of your timeline. Your timeline began a few months ago when you decided you wanted to get better, and when you realized that you deserve to get better. Your timeline is still very short, you have only been healing for a short amount of time. A timeline is just a record of events, it's not a schedule. There is no set series of steps and time period allotted for each step, we are far to individual in our emotions and pain for it to ever be possible to say this or that step should take this or that long. You are finally, "nine years later", facing your pain and doing the RIGHT work needed to move past all of this. You will move past this, I have no doubt in the world, and YOU can TRUST ME on that.

    I'm sorry your car got towed, but at least the walk will give you some of that exercise that you have been talking about. (((hug)))

    You can do this, and you must continue to do what you have been doing in order to move past this. I know you can, I have faith in you, and I see evidence to back up my belief. The biggest evidence is that you are able to talk about some of this in person.

    I want to let you know something that you may already know. Most people get a vacation from work, some people go on trips, and some loaf around their house and relax. Healing is hard work and sometimes we need a TEMPORARY break, a vacation of sorts so that we don't overload ourselves. You might need a break, but only you can know for sure.

    Sending you many (((hugs)))

    I hope I didn't say anything stupid in this long post. School got out 30 minutes ago, but I am still sitting here in class. Mr. Baum is starting to wonder about me. Sorry for this long comment.

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    1. Jaime, I just wanted to let you know that I read this comment, and it was greatly appreciated. I am going to postpone commenting to this part because I have a meeting in 45 minutes and need that time to try to transition from "rape mindset" to "school mindset." I'll respond once I'm done! Thanks so much. xxx

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  4. i struggle every day and i thank you for your comment on my poem .. after reading this i have to say that i feel the same .. i find some comfort in knowing that even though i feel alone in my home, and personal life there are ppl who feel the same as me .. i think that it is scary to a lot of people when we say that we are on the brink of cracking .. i always feel like i am breaking .. but it is something that we feel . and it is real . and i think a part of our process to healing .. i stand along side of you .. if you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate ..

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    1. Erod, thank you so much for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to know that someone else is going through this right now. I'm learning how important it is to reach out to other survivors who are going through the same process. It definitely helps alleviate feelings of "craziness" (which are rampant in my mind right now!). I cannot thank you enough for reading and offering your support in the future. xxxx

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  5. Dear one I am sorry for what you are going through. Safe hugs to you

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    1. Thanks so much. I really appreciate your kind words. Thanks for visiting my website. xxx

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