I had therapy on Monday, which I thought went fairly well. It was a difficult session, but I shared some journal entries and talked more than I’ve talked in the past about this stuff. There was a lot of crying and emotion during the session, but I was happy that I got out more words than usual. I’m really, really trying. I just feel like I’m on a hamster wheel not going anywhere. I don’t even know if I know what I need. I’ll write a more in depth summary perhaps tomorrow, but I’m too tired to recount any details at the moment.
I got my makeup exam back on Monday after therapy my therapy session. I originally thought that I had done really well, but I literally almost failed it (61%). I am in graduate school and cannot afford to make these kinds of grades. It’s ridiculous. I feel like my brain is fried, and I can’t trust my perception. If I had gotten an 81%, I wouldn’t be so concerned, but it’s very strange to think you’re going to get an A, and then get a D-.
I met with the professor of that class yesterday and felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I was so overcome by emotion and, I guess, panic that I was shaking and crying. I kept getting dizzy and dissociating. My professor ended up walking me through relaxation and grounding activities. It was so embarrassing. I just couldn’t get it to stop. The more I tried, the more I lost control. My emotions were controlling me. My professor for that class doesn’t know anything more than that I’ve been having difficulty with anxiety and depression, but she just kept telling me that it was good and healthy that I was letting it all out. I want to believe her, but it doesn’t feel like the right thing. But I can’t figure out the right thing. Whenever I think I’ve got it, and I’m on the right path, I completely lose sight of everything. Is this really healing? Is this really necessary? Am I wallowing in past pain for no reason? Is there another way to get better? What the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I don’t feel like myself. I want to be me. I don’t want it to take so much effort to be happy. To live life to the fullest. Everything just seems so overwhelming sometimes.
I can’t help but criticize myself sometimes. I want to “be gentle to myself,” to trust that I deserve to be, but I can’t help but feel like what happened to me doesn’t warrant this craziness. I know this sounds terrible, but I wish he had done it while I was sober, so that I could have fought him. Instead, I just lay there saying “ouch” and “what are you doing” and blah, blah, blah. Now I feel I am stuck with all the hurt of having been raped without a real reason to feel this way. I really hope this doesn’t offend anyone. If it does, I am truly sorry. It’s just what I am feeling at the moment, and I just wish I had been sober. I hate feeling like I don’t have a reason to feel like this. I feel like if I could have fought him, I would feel more justified in feeling like shit. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed right now I feel sick to my stomach. Life is too short to go around feeling like this. I have to get it together.
I can’t go into depression again. I promised myself that I would fight depression with everything that’s in me. So, what am I going to do?
I am going to keep crying with the hope that one day I will run out of tears.
I am going to “give my permission” to throw myself this stupid pity party, and when I find the strength, I am going to go walk to place where my car was towed yesterday. Yes, my car was towed yesterday…I forgot to move it because I was so emotional in the meeting with my professor, and it got towed. That is actually kind of funny.
Then, I am going to eat a salad to counteract all of the junk I’ve been eating.
Then I am going to go the library and check out Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman because I saw that it has been returned.
Afterwards, I will go to an exercise class. I have wanted to try one of the exercise classes with the ballerina bar, so I am going to force myself to do it.
I will ask a friend to pick me up for class tomorrow to ensure that I arrive on time.
Okay, that’s what I will do. I have some control over this I think.
I can do this. I must do this.