I hesitated to post this, but then I decided to keep my commitment to myself to be completely honest about my healing journey and include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, if you're up for reading, here's some of the "ugly." I wrote this about 20 minutes ago when I got home from school. Please know that I am already feeling better and there is no need to worry. Writing really has become a means of catharsis for me, and I am so grateful for this outlet.
Done with class for the day.
Don’t know what’s wrong with me.
My morning was okay.
Made it to class on time.
Difficult to stay present in class.
My mind drifted away frequently, but I was able to get back.
Asked a few questions. Laughed at my professor’s jokes.
Walked home. Stopped into CVS to get a bottle of water and snack. Started feeling uneasy.
I know this feeling.
I feel dirty. Filthy. It’s one of those times I wish I could unzip myself out of my skin.
It’s a gross feeling. Where is it coming from?!
I can’t shake the texture of his gross tongue from my mouth. His pointed fingers from my body. His teeth from my breasts. I’m walking home now. It’s turned into a nice day. I can’t shake the image of being in the shower washing the stickiness away from my stomach. I feel dirty. Used. I know it’s an image in my mind, just a memory. Why can’t I distract myself? Why do I feel like I’m in that shower? It’s a painful awakening that I can’t wash away his dirtiness. It’s become my mind. I’m back at the elevator in my apartment. Tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t realized until now that I was on my second cereal bar that I had just bought at CVS. I make it off the elevator. Keys unlocking my door. In the comfort of my apartment, I don’t hold back anymore. I’m crying so hard. Strange sounds I don’t recognize spring forth. My mind starts screaming, “I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM. I HATE HIM.” I walk into my bedroom and suddenly realize the thoughts screaming in my head have now become whispers from my mouth. Over and over and over again. “I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.” I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My anger quickly dissipates into excruciating sadness. I realize it’s me I hate.
Lord, please give me the strength to get through this. I’m ready to put these thoughts to rest. I trust in You that these feelings will soon pass. I want to feel whole again. Please tell me what to do.