Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Emotional Hangover

I don't know if there's such a thing, but I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover. Literally, the headache, upset stomach, cravings for junk food, the whole nine yards. Even my apartment looks like the apartment of someone whose been out for a night on the town. Pizza box with gross, half-eaten pizza. Food wrappers from the entire box of cereal bars I ate yesterday. Buffalo wings. This binge eating thing is new for me. Last semester it was hard for me to eat because I felt so anxious and depressed. Now, for some reason, I have transitioned into eating my emotions. Gross, gross, gross...

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to slip back into depression. Over break when I was away from a school setting, I got a glimpse at what having a free mind would feel like. Not every day, but there were definitely times that I felt good. Settled. Less empty. I saw that I have it in me to put this behind me. I can't let go of that vision.

I was late for class today, which made me feel very frustrated. Right now I'm on a temporary break until the next one starts. I decided to scoot away during the break because being in a room with so many people was making me feel very anxious. Sometimes I really feel like there is a sign on my face that says "DIRTY" or "SKETCHY". I feel like everyone can read me like a book. Obviously, they can't, but it sure feels that way.

So, I'm feeling like shit - what am I going to do about it? There are one of two options I see. I can give into these feelings, which will inevitably lead me to depression like last semester. Or, I can attempt to be gentle with myself. Recognize that I feel like shit, but then try to stop the judgmental cycle that I immediately launch into (e.g., why can't you get your life together? This is ridiculous, blah, blah, blah...). I've made a commitment to trying out the latter.

I didn't want to walk into class today. I was almost 45 minutes late, and it's so embarassing to walk in that late. I did it anyway. My first inclination is to avoid people. My friend E (who I've mentioned before - she's the friend that walked me through the night of hell during the conference when I got so upset) had offered last semester to have me stay with her. I am taking her up on it tonight. I've already asked and gotten her key codes, etc. I am going to force myself to exercise today. I went ahead and scheduled a makeup exam from last semester for this Friday. Writing this out has already made me feel less judgmental. See, MM, you are trying. You will get through this. Baby steps...

Oh, and I am going to call my therapist as soon as I submit this post. Since it's a new semester, I have to provide her with my class schedule so we can set up a new appointment time. I've kind of been avoiding it because I've felt pretty crummy since confiding in my professor, but I guess that's to be expected (feeling uneasy). I know deep down that it was the right thing to do. I've just got to get over this initial hump.

5 comments:

  1. Glad to feel you are trying to be gentle with yourself :) Take care and have a nice time with your friend!!

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    1. Thanks so much! I really appreciate your kind words and support. xxx

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  2. Binge eating is okay when it is sometimes. I just wanted to let you know that. You didn't fail yourself because of it or because you were late. Sometimes we feel bad and we treat ourselves. You treated yourself to some yummy pizza and some wings. I'm a little jealous. Seriously though, you will get through this, it's just part of the healing process. I am glad you called your therapist and that your friend it there for you today and tonight like they were that night at the hotel. Writing can make us feel better and I am glad you feel a little better now after writing. Many hugs heading your way. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

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    1. I left off the entire chocolate cake I polished off the day before - ew, but so good! Thank you for your kind words. Today started off a little rough, but it continued to improve throughout the day. I'm about to head over to my friend's apartment. Thank you for the hugs. Sending many in return!

      P.S. I have two leftover hot wings and a few slices of pizza left, which you can totally help yourself to, LOL.

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    2. You mean the pizza and wings that were on the second shelf, I already ate them. LOL

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