Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Therapy #9 (Follow-Up): Exploration Through Free Writing

I decided to try free-style writing again (for previous exercise, click here), but this time I did it to answer a particular question. To recap, yesterday my therapist asked me to consider my assault experience (thoughts, feelings, etc.) void of self-blame and self-doubt. 

Ridding myself of these two entities is pretty difficult because they have played such a prominent role in my interpretation of what happened. I've grown familiar with viewing my assault through this lens of self-blame and self-doubt, so in some ways, I am more at ease with this toxic mental environment.

Don't get me wrong, it's not fun going around blaming and doubting yourself all the time, but sometimes even bad feelings can define your comfort zone. Stepping beyond these familiar, "go-to" emotions, opens the door to a whole lot of unprocessed, chaotic pain and just overall confusion

I actual think that self-blame has helped provide me with a false sense of control over my life these past nine years. At least I created this toxic environment.

If you strip away self-blame, there are other painful memories and feelings, but these painful memories and feelings don't have clearly defined answers. For example, even though I don't agree with this, I can better understand (or perhaps accept would be a better of saying it) "I was drunk and therefore raped," versus "He used my drunkenness to violate me." Yikes, suddenly feeling nervous, and I don't like it. Enough of that for now... J

Anyway, I wanted to more deeply explore the question my therapist posed, but I have been having difficulty knowing where to start and turning off my "go-to" emotions. I decided to give free writing another shot to help me get over this initial hump, and perhaps it will allow me to be more honest with myself. I'll probably pick this exercise up again over the next few days because it was very helpful today. I set my timer for 20 minutes, and the following is what came out (Good luck deciphering it! By the way, I'll likely try to make more sense of this word vomit in a later post, in case you want to bypass reading a bunch of mumbo-jumbo...).

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Takes me a second to get into it because it feels so weird My cat is so cute all they do is lick themselves and sleep though and get into fights So I guess I took away self blame if I really stopped blaming myself for what happened I would feel anger  actually quite a lot of anger  anger is not something I like to feel or think about  but I actually do think I have quite a bit of it  I am angry about a few people I guess I’m really upset that someone I knew would actually value me so little  I sometimes wish he would have just knocked me out or something so I then I wouldn’t blame myself for having been so drunk I also feel anger towards myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and not having smarter instincts at the time  it seemed like everyone else well that’s a lie because he had plenty of friends so nevermind well, I guess what I was about to say is that there were people that picked up on him being kind of off  I’m made at myself that I wasn’t one of those people and if I’m really honest I’m kind of mad at my parents for not seeing him as that person either  I know that his charm won over a lot of people but I just wish it hadn’t one over my parents  I wish that they would have been more skeptical of him I wish that when they found out what happened back then that they would have immediately jumped to my defense, called him a dirtbag, rushed over to hug me, asked me if I was ok, instead of worrying that I was a lesbian, dad, I wish you would have worried more about the cause for me hating guys at that ime in my life I hate feeling so vulnerable if you strip away my self blame damn I feel vulnerable and gross why does stripping away the self-lblame make me feel grosser I don’t even know if grosser is a word haha I am cooking veggie burgers they look discusting almost like card board I overcooked them goodness I have a bad head ache how the hell am I going to get caught up in school actually that’s a nother thing I’m pissed about. A, you f’d up my school work when we were college students and now you’re screwing it up and I don’t even see you in fact I haven’t seen you in ages well, that’s because I kind of purposely avoid places where I think you’re going to be because you suck you absolutely suck you blond-haired smiling conniving bastards who goes around rubbing the shoulders of their teachers when they are in high school anyway? It’s like you are always competing in some weird popularity contest, keeping just enough distance from people so they don’t see through to your darkness you definitely have a dark side otherwise how would I have ended up with so much darkness from what you did to me it’s almost like you inserted me with your emptiness you sick selfish bastard I get really annoyed when I think about how you treated me, how HORRIBLE it made (and still makes me feel) and the fact that you still go around with that dumb ass smile on your face shaking people’s hand I get really mad too when I think about you always coming up to me and saying hello why did you do that you know what else is weird the fact that when I saw you a week and a half after you RAPED ME (UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), I asked you to tell me what happened I was still having terrible memory problems at the time my body knew I had been raped the freaking emptiness and nervousness and lack of sense of self wouldn’t let me ignore the fact that something really bad had happened when I asked you, you ass hole, you snapped. Well let me back track I walked up to you and said can I talk to you for a second and you said yes and I said alone and then you kind of laughed condescendingly but you actually looked nervous, too that just made me happy thinking about that you actually did seem nervous that was the only moment I ever got to see the truth flash across your fact because it’s really confusing when you’re smiling and saying hi to me and speaking to my friends like nothing bad happened but that night I confronted you, your face flashed guilt no, no not that you felt guilty or remorse but that you knew that you had done something bad whether or not you felt badly for having done it you were worried I was about to nail you on it. When I asked what happened you said what do you mean I said I want to know what happened last time we were together you seemed annoyed, angry at me like I did something wrong by aking you like I didn’t have a right to ask you like iwas being rude well you know what you are being rude when you tell a girl that you’ll respect her boundaries and then when she’s all liquored up you just stick it in gross that’s what you are is gross gross gross gross gross like a serpent you’ve always reminded me a serpent not true just since that next morning  I had an art history paper due and I had to take notes on some of the national buildings I took a cab down there trying to take notes and I remember there being engravings or sculptures or whatever of snakes or serpents and I remember they made me feel really nervous they reminded me of your tongue that sounds weird and I’ve actually never talked about that before but it’s true those ridiculous snake sculptures reminded me of you still do when I see them actually that pointy kind of dry tongue of yours when I think of your tongue it reminds me of a knife oh I digress 

4 comments:

  1. (((((((((((hug)))))))))))

    I would have called him a dirt bag, ass-hole, bastard, and I would have given you a hug and tried my best to understand. I am sorry people didn't and they didn't try to understand. I'm sorry they didn't see him for the snake he is. I am so sorry for all of this.

    He used your drunkenness and used it to VIOLATE YOU. (((hug)))

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  2. Thanks, Jaime, I know you would have :)
    Can't believe you made it through that incoherent mess - that is dedication!

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  3. It was a mess and I did scratch my head a lot pondering the meaning among the chaos, but you are worth it.

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