Tuesday, November 29, 2011

An unsent letter to an old "friend"

Below is a healing exercise I did back in October . This particular exercise requires you to write a letter to your perp (perpetrator). 
I can't remember the exact areas of healing targeted, but I do know that
once I got through the initial surge of emotions, I felt a good bit lighter because it allowed me to rid myself of some of the pent-up anger and frustration that I never had the chance to direct at him.  If you are at a point in your healing where this exercise would not be too triggering, I highly recommend giving it a try.
October 14, 2011
Dear A.T.,
     I have no idea how to even begin this letter. It’s been years since we last spoke, but unfortunately I remember each and every one of our interactions since December 2002.
     This must seem so out of the blue to you. Perhaps you’ve even forgotten about that night. That makes me sick, sad, and angry. But then again, the thought of you thinking about it is nauseating, too. You sick, selfish bastard.
     You might even think I’m being ridiculous for bringing up that night. You might even laugh about it, reference it to your friends or even show them this letter. Why wasn’t what happened more important to you? Why wasn’t I more important to you?
     You weren’t some pervert stranger to me, preying on drunken girls. You knew me, knew my family, shared memories with me, and you KNEW my boundaries. I don’t understand, why’d you choose to do that? Why’d you tell me you’d respect my boundaries and then jump on the opportunity to walk me home that night?
     Did you plan it out? When we went to the movies the week before, you stuck me next to the gross, smelly guy no one wanted to sit next to, and then you let me walk home by myself late at night afterwards. But that night, you had the charm going…noticing when my cup was empty, refilling it with that damn spiced rum, and then walking my stumbling self to my apartment at the end of the night.
     What was going through your mind? Was I ever important to you? Or were you only ever after one thing? Knowing that I was virgin, did you think I’d wake up, think oopsy, then oh well, and continue dating and sleeping with you? Were you hoping I wouldn't remember the next day? Or, were you banking on if I did remember, me feeling terrible and trying to make it work? Were you thinking ANYTHING?!
     Did you think I deserved it because I had been drinking? If your roommate were to come home drunk one night, would that give you the right to steal his stuff? NO! Then, why the hell would my being drunk give you the right to steal my virginity?! At least material stuff would be replaceable. Were you even drunk that night? I don't even remember you drinking...
     How many people have you done this, too? What is going through your mind to make you think it’s okay? Would you claim that you did it in the “heat of the moment”? That you “couldn’t help yourself”? Do you actually believe that, considering I was so intoxicated I could barely walk straight and was so drunk I didn’t even know what had happened until you had finished?! Is that what turns you on, drunk, vulnerable girls?
     Is that why you did it? Was that all you considered me, an opportunity - a place to stick your dick? Unfortunately, that’s the sickening feeling that’s stuck with me all these years. Even when I’m smiling and everyone thinks I’m over it. Oh, no, you have the smallest dick in the world, but it’s capable of leaving lasting wounds.
     Was I not a respectful enough person in your eyes to listen to? Was I not worth more than an orgasm? Did you not think of the new girl at your high school? The one you spotted and immediately walked over to, introducing yourself to her and her family? Could you shake her dad’s hand again today, knowing what you did?
     Did you know that when I didn’t show up for our 10-year high school reunion this year, it was because of you? Did it cross your mind when I didn’t show up for our 5th year college reunion earlier this year, that it had anything to do with you?
If you knew how hurt I’d be, would you have done it anyway? 
Would you take it back if you could? 
Do you wish you hadn’t done it? 
Do you miss our friendship? 
Do you care? Do you feel?!

M.M.

2 comments:

  1. Melanie, I can't even begin to describe how immensely proud I am of you for sharing this. I can only imagine how emotionally difficult it was to write. All of your questions are 100% valid and I wish you had the answers to them, although I doubt the answers would be honest considering who would be providing them. (((JAIME-MELANIE-JAIME)))

    I am very inspired by you. Maybe one day I will find the words to write a letter.

    I am so proud of YOU.

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  2. Aww, Jaime, thank you so much! I am proud of me, too ;) haha I'm heading to sleep and reading your kind comment was a nice end to my day.

    You will definitely get there, Jaime.I know you will.

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