Saturday, November 19, 2011

A moment to vent

I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate myself so much sometimes. I hate that I just used the word “hate” because I would have never used that word prior to that night. It’s such a terrible, negative word, and I sound and feel like a whining baby, and that makes me that much unhappier
with myself. I also hate that I felt like I had to add “sometimes” to the end of that sentence because that’s not what I wanted to write, but I felt obligated to tack it on. Maybe I would like it to be only sometimes, but the fact is it’s just not. A more accurate statement would be sometimes I feel okay with myself, but then something happens, and it’s like the rug underneath me has been snatched away, and I just realize that I have been trying to convince myself that I’m an okay person, and then I realize that I suck at that, too. I hate this unhappy person. This needy person, who doesn’t even know what she needs.

I really feel like there’s a hole in me. I can physically feel it sometimes. I hate that hole. Sometimes its presence is so overwhelming that I just wish I could crawl in a hole myself and get swallowed up. When I “got over” what happened, the hole was still there, but it was just a nagging emptiness that didn’t demand all my attention every freaking moment of the day. Now, all of sudden, I can’t think of anything but that hollowness. It’s overwhelming and the only thing I feel certain about in my life. As stupid as it sounds, it is the only thing grounding me to anything. If it wasn’t for my depression and that empty feeling, I would float away. I’m aware how crazy that sounds, but I don’t know how else to describe what I am feeling.

I honestly do not know what to do. There is so much negative, pent-up emotion erupting from me, I don’t know what to do with it. Is this really healing? Is this necessary - a good thing? It feels terrible, and I don’t know what the next step is for me to do. What do I do with all these emotions? Why do I feel this way? Am I weak?

I just sat through a three-day conference and heard lectures about amazing individuals who overcame severe communication impairments and depression. Having a stroke – now that’s something that would constitute depression. Having your ability to communicate wiped away completely while still being cognitively intact is reason to feel isolated, scared, depressed and suffer identity problems. What happened to me – GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is ridiculous. I feel so shitty, shameful, inferior, confused about my identity and all over something that happened YEARS ago. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I really don’t understand why I feel so crazy. So hurt. So alone. So empty. I feel myself slipping away from myself – back to square one. Back to college. I thought that I was in a better place in my life, and I’m scared that I am just as ill equipped to process this as I was then. I feel like I’m 100 years old and 4 years old at the same time. I am so confused. So lonely. So embarrassed.

Who is this person? Who am I? What am I supposed to be doing right now? How do I fix this?

I’m looking back through this post, and I am immediately overtaken by embarrassment. This is not me. This is a monster.

2 comments:

  1. Part 1 of 2 Too long to fit in one post.
    Hi Melanie (((HUG)))

    You most certainly aren't weak, crazy, alone, or empty. I think you are learning about your emotions, the same emotions that you had previously kept buried in an attempt to avoid the pain. The hard work needed to heal from an assault is very trying and it can make us feel like we are failing. The reality is that this reprocessing of emotions, as difficult as they are to process are a needed task to grow past the pain.

    Life is far more than a body breathing, a heart beating, and more then chemical synapse between neurotransmitter molecules. Their is an intangible part of us that becomes hurt when our body is hurt and our will is violated. Some people refer to this as a soul while others refer to it in more secular terms like awareness. My point is, an assault hurts the very unique entity that gives humans the power of reason that other mammals are incapable of having. When this very special and unique entity becomes hurt, it's not a surprise that we feel hollowed out or that we have a hole in the depths of our consciousness. Filling in this hole is what the healing journey is about. The problem many of us face is that during this healing process as our wounds begin to scab over, we pick at the would with negativity. We talk down to ourselves and THINK down to ourselves until the wound no longer has a protective scab. If we pick the scab off enough the very entity that makes us who we are can further become scarred.

    Sir Isaac Newton's third law of motion states that for every action there is an opposite but equal reaction. This describes opposing physical forces, but I think it can also be applied to emotional forces. We need to turn negative pent up emotions into a positive, this isn't an easy thing to do. This is also part of the healing process, more accurately the coping process. As we heal we learn techniques to help us cope and stay grounded. We have negative emotions that build up in us until we feel broken and sometimes until we snap. So now the question arises, how do we turn our negative pent up emotions into a positive? In the spirit of Newton's third law, the answer is difficult to find but easy to implement. Some of us write about the negative and turn the pain into a positive learning experience, some of us cry, scream, or my personal favorite which is to lash out. Negative emotions and anger build up and it needs to be relieved or we will keep picking at the scab and never giving it a chance to heal. With me if I don't find a way to turn my negative pent up emotions into a positive, the rage and anger within me will become self destructive. I beat my fists against the mattress of my bed and scream into a pillow until it becomes damp with tears and my voice becomes weak. That's one of my ways of turning a negative into a positive, and creating and opposite reaction. The pain, anger, and pent up emotions become a positive.

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  2. Part 2 of 2
    You are in a better place to deal with all of your pent up emotions, but because you have just recently began to deal with it all, you are still in the beginning stages of learning to cope. Although the few coping tools you now have at your disposal is far better then the one and only coping method you previously used, it's still hard. The healing journey is a very difficult road to travel. The fact that your main coping technique originally was to bury your emotions means that you have so much of it that you have to go back and dig up, so that you can go forward. So many years was spent storing this anger and sadness that you are hurting and quite possibly nearing a breaking point. The cure is to let it out, to go back through all those years worth of self silenced pain and let them free. I suspect one of the reasons you are feeling like Swiss Cheese is because we falsely convince ourselves that healing will make us feel better. Although healing will make us feel better in the long run, the healing process is extremely trying because we essentially have to either reprocess our anger and pain or process it for the first time.

    You are the same person you always were, but you are a wiser person who is learning so that you become better equipped to deal with your past, present, and future emotions. You are suppose to be doing the same thing you currently are doing, "...going back to go forward." You already know what you are suppose to do, you designed your banner to your blog around that phrase. You ask, "How do I(you) fix this?" Again, you already know the answer because you are fixing it already. Every time you share with the world on your blog, every time you talk about your pain, and every time you help me and others deal with their own pain, you are "fixing" yourself. All of these things help you learn about yourself, and the more you learn about yourself, the more precise your coping skills will become. You are learning far more than you realize.

    Hey, I get it, I get the embarrassment. I understand the shame, but when it comes down to it you and I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. We are not the monsters, the people who violated the very entity that makes us human, the very consciousness that gives us the ability to be self-aware, and the intangible souls within us were/are the monsters.

    Melanie, sweetie, please don't beat yourself up too much because you will heal. You will get past these because you will learn better coping skills. Open your eyes and see the "you" that your husband sees, loves, admires, and adores. See the you that encourages other survivors to face their pain, and please see the precious child that GOD sees when he tends to your soul. You are so very special to so many people who know you as only fingers on the other end of a computer screen. I see the special person you are and I admire you.

    This is for you Melanie (((HUG))). I know what you are feeling, I understand the pain. YOU WILL WIN THIS WAR. Trust me.

    Please remember that I am always available to lend you the support you deserve.

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