with myself. I also hate that I felt like I had to add “sometimes” to the end of that sentence because that’s not what I wanted to write, but I felt obligated to tack it on. Maybe I would like it to be only sometimes, but the fact is it’s just not. A more accurate statement would be sometimes I feel okay with myself, but then something happens, and it’s like the rug underneath me has been snatched away, and I just realize that I have been trying to convince myself that I’m an okay person, and then I realize that I suck at that, too. I hate this unhappy person. This needy person, who doesn’t even know what she needs.
I really feel like there’s a hole in me. I can physically feel it sometimes. I hate that hole. Sometimes its presence is so overwhelming that I just wish I could crawl in a hole myself and get swallowed up. When I “got over” what happened, the hole was still there, but it was just a nagging emptiness that didn’t demand all my attention every freaking moment of the day. Now, all of sudden, I can’t think of anything but that hollowness. It’s overwhelming and the only thing I feel certain about in my life. As stupid as it sounds, it is the only thing grounding me to anything. If it wasn’t for my depression and that empty feeling, I would float away. I’m aware how crazy that sounds, but I don’t know how else to describe what I am feeling.
I honestly do not know what to do. There is so much negative, pent-up emotion erupting from me, I don’t know what to do with it. Is this really healing? Is this necessary - a good thing? It feels terrible, and I don’t know what the next step is for me to do. What do I do with all these emotions? Why do I feel this way? Am I weak?
I just sat through a three-day conference and heard lectures about amazing individuals who overcame severe communication impairments and depression. Having a stroke – now that’s something that would constitute depression. Having your ability to communicate wiped away completely while still being cognitively intact is reason to feel isolated, scared, depressed and suffer identity problems. What happened to me – GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is ridiculous. I feel so shitty, shameful, inferior, confused about my identity and all over something that happened YEARS ago. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I really don’t understand why I feel so crazy. So hurt. So alone. So empty. I feel myself slipping away from myself – back to square one. Back to college. I thought that I was in a better place in my life, and I’m scared that I am just as ill equipped to process this as I was then. I feel like I’m 100 years old and 4 years old at the same time. I am so confused. So lonely. So embarrassed.
Who is this person? Who am I? What am I supposed to be doing right now? How do I fix this?
I’m looking back through this post, and I am immediately overtaken by embarrassment. This is not me. This is a monster.