Thursday, October 13, 2011

the up of the ups & downs

Hmmm, I'm treading in unfamiliar water.

For 2 weeks I was zonked - crying, not leaving my apartment,  being very skittish and jumpy, reliving the emotions that I felt 9 years ago and constantly thinking back to
memories from that night (haven't written about them yet since I haven't gotten to my semester at home when more memories started coming back).

I've also been writing out some of my story in here and in support forums, and I know that's been helping. I used to bawl when doing so, but now it feels like no big deal. I've actually been feeling strangely removed from those memories the past two days. Like I have no emotional response whatsoever to what happened and that I could shout the details in the street without even breaking down.

I went on Zoloft almost exactly two weeks ago, and now I'm wondering if those have kicked in and that's why I'm feeling this way? Or, is it because I'm letting my secret out in the open? Is that all I needed - to just quickly release pent up emotions and stories?

Or, is this my mind/body's way of trying to get me to block it out again? There is definitely a part of me that wants to just push, push, push on through this healing process because I'm sick of feeling dirty and depressed. Could I have pushed too hard, too fast and now my mind wants a break from processing it? After not moving on for 9 years, 2 weeks seems like a short recovery time. Is it only a matter of time before I come crashing back down again, or is it only up from here?

I have also stopped caring about school, which makes me think it's the former. I wonder if I should take a break from my therapy homework, etc., or if it's good to just keep pushing. No clue, but for now, I'm enjoying the desensitization :)

2 comments:

  1. Hey Melanie,

    I think sometimes when we make the conscious decision to do the work needed to heal we tend to get ahead of ourselves. I think (based of my own self-exploration) that we want to be healed so bad that we force ourselves into a false sense of being further along in our healing than we really are capable of being. Healing from stuff like this is a life long process. I have to tell myself all the time that it's not going to happen overnight or I will set high expectations that I really can't meet so quickly and I will allow my desire to be healed to fool me into thinking I am farther along. I hope that makes sense.

    I am so glad you are finding your voice and letting you pain out in forums like A.S. and on your blog.

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  2. Thank you, Jaime. I have to keep reminding myself of the same thing. I'm definitely still trying to figure out the whole pacing thing. I wish there was an exact formula for this stuff! xxxx

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