And, I'm back down again, and big time. It was a pretty hard, unexpected crash down, too. How could I feel so good one day, and so terrible the next?! It makes me feel a little crazy.
The human mind and emotions are pretty remarkable phenomena, don't ya think? You always hear about mind control - it's an especially popular topic of conversation in my family - but is it really possible to control your mind/emotions when you've gone through a traumatic event?
I surely thought I was controlling mine. In fact, I've been so good at convincing those around me that I had bounced back from this experience that I even managed to fool myself in the process. I'd say I've been putting on a "happy face" for others since I returned to college after my "healing" semester. So I've kept up a pretty impressive performance for almost 9 years! And to think Meryl Streep with her 16 Oscar nominations only had to keep it up for movie takes :-)
Today I had a pretty embarrassing day. Broke down TWICE at school. I am 28 years old and feel like I've lost all control. The second break-down occurred in front of my thesis advisor - very nice, caring man. He was just trying to be there for me I'm sure, but he was asking questions that I wasn't ready to answer. I could only provide cryptic answers, and I'm not really sure how much time passed, but I ended up really shaky and dizzy and then shut down and couldn't really talk to him anymore. I shifted the subject to my thesis. Awkward much?
I can't help but feel I'm too old for this type of behavior, but I am trying to trust my emotions and just go with this roller coaster. I tried to control them before using my mind, constantly trying to rationalize and minimize what I was going through. And well, it didn't work.
So, HANDS UP, here goes!