Tuesday, September 27, 2011

That night


I can still picture what I was wearing that night. Multi-colored striped corduroy pants and a beige long-sleeved shirt that flared at my wrists and gathered in a “V” on my chest. My “hippy” shirt. It was December and cold. I decided to attend a holiday party at mutual
friend’s house. They were serving spiced rum cider. Yes, I had been drinking. And, by the time A.T. would walk me home, I would be wasted.

A few weeks prior, A.T. had slept over. Had we slept together? No, I was waiting until marriage. The majority of the time we had spent talking. He reached my boundary on sexual stuff, which sparked a LONG DISCUSSION ABOUT MY DESIRE TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE, a conversation we had also shared several times in high school. 

...it was no secret that I was waiting...

The night of the Christmas party I remember sitting on his lap. As soon as my cup of spiced rum cider got low, he would jump up and refill it. What a gentleman, I thought. Stupid naivety. When he whispered into my ear that same night, I want to wait until after we get back from Christmas to do anything [physical]. I'd even wait to kiss you.” I beamed - BEAMED, ugh - dying to hear what I wanted so badly to believe, I stupidly asked, “Really? Why’s that?

Because you are worth waiting for.” Stupid, STUPID naivety.

I was excited that he had offered to walk me home that night. We had gone to a movie together a week prior ("Analyze That" - seeing anything about that movie still makes me cringe), and he had not walked me back to my dorm room across campus even though it was almost midnight and unsafe (we went to an urban school). I was kind of put off that he hadn't walked me home, but it seemed like he was making up for it now. I wish I would have seen through his gentleman facade.  The new me would have seen what was coming. The new me would have found another way home. By the time we made it up to my room, I could barely keep my balance.

... i was wasted in the true sense of the word...

I later found out that when we arrived he had given my roommate a nod and look indicating that she was to leave the room. There were papers all over my bed because I was preparing for exams. He stacked all the papers together while I was a bumbling idiot around my room, and then he put them on my desk. I wish that's where the night had ended.

7 comments:

  1. I wish that night would have ended then too.

    I had a bunch typed in here and somehow I navigated away from this page and it was all lost.

    I really don't understand why guys have to be that way. I am truly sorry that this happened to you.

    You think you are naive? You aren't naive. You had a history with this guy, a history that overtime had allowed trust to be built up. I know you ave probably heard it a million times but I am going to say it anyway. It's not your fault.....

    I am sending you all the hugs I can. (((HUGS)))

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  2. Hi Jaime,
    Thank you so much. It's so hard not to view myself as being naive or even "asking for it" in a way since looking back, the warning signs seem so obvious! I really appreciate all of your support, especially knowing that you are going through so much yourself right now. Sending you hugs, too!!! xxx

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  3. Hello Worth Waiting For, I hope you don't mind me commenting on your blog. If so feel free to delete my comment.

    We men will tell a woman anything just about, in an effort to get her to have sex. Yes we are that desperate and that simple. Sometimes when we hear the word NO it doesn't exactly translate. Sometimes we have to be told more than once for it to sink in. Believe me I am not trying to excuse what he did to you because NO MEANS NO.

    I have read several pages, well most of your blog over the past few days and I have been hesitant about making a comment being that sexual assault is such a personal thing. I want you to understand something and this is coming from a guy who understand the motivations of other guys. This guy who raped you, did it with the intention of taking what you had previously refused to give him. He made sure your glass of alcohol didn't stay empty because he already knew what he was going to do later that night.

    So many people want to put some sort of mythical divider between violent rapes and date rapes, but when it comes down to it they are both wrong. They both are designed to ignore the will of the victim and trade it is for the selfishness of another.

    A former girlfriend of mine was sexually assaulted and it was so devastating to her. I tried the best I could to understand her emotions and so forth but I was unable to. This is one of the things that led to her and I breaking up. We were young and it was the mid 90s. I was an 18 year old guy who cared deeply for her but I had no idea, no understanding of just how violated it can make someone feel. I said stupid and insensitive things back then out of ignorance. To be honest I was more ignorant out of choice because I didn't want to put the effort into understanding how it made her feel, and that made me lose patients with her. That is something I have spent 15 years regretting. I learned a few years after her and I broke-up just how it affect someone. I learned by studying, I learned by joining forums, and I learned by face to face interactions with survivors of rape. The sad thing is I learned too late and the girlfriend I had 15 years ago is so far out of my reach that we are not even a remote possibility. I'm not sure why I am telling you that.

    I guess I want you to know that not all guys hurt womwn, and we are very stupid at times. No matter how stupid we are, rape is never permissible. Taking advantage of another person like your BF did you is never right. Your BF did you wrong on so many levels and I can see how some things he did makes me believe that he pre-planed his assault on you.

    It is very normal for someone to feel blame for what happened to them. I know my girlfriend back then did. I wish I would have had the understanding I have now so that I could tell her the same thing I am going to tell you.

    It was not your fault. It was his doing. He made the choice to hurt you and that was so wrong of him. You deserved so much better and you will always deserve better than the type of person he is.

    Never give up on yourself and everytime you feel like you were responsible for what happened to you, tell yourself that HE WAS A ASSHOLE THAT DIDN'T DESERVE YOU.

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  4. "So many people want to put some sort of mythical divider between violent rapes and date rapes, but when it comes down to it they are both wrong. They both are designed to ignore the will of the victim and trade it is for the selfishness of another."

    @ Chris, I couldn't agree with you more. I think it is human nature to try and categorize things in terms of severity. We do it with lies. i.e. "bold faced lie" -vs.- "white lie". A lie is a lie, and a rape is a rape.

    Chris I am sorry that you learned to understand your ex-girlfriend too late, but I bet she was more sorry that you learned too late than you are.

    @ Melanie
    "I later found out that when we arrived he had given my roommate a nod and look indicating that she was to leave the room. There were papers all over my bed because I was preparing for exams. He stacked all the papers together while I was a bumbling idiot around my room, and then he put them on my desk. I wish that's where the night had ended."

    He knew what he was going to do. This show premeditation. He wanted to be alone with you so that no one would see what he was going to do. I am really sorry, and I wish the night would have ended there too. (((hug)))

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  5. @Chris, thank you so much for your thoughtful and sensitive comments. I have to admit that I was a little nervous at first to see that you were a guy, but I found your comments and advice very validating and comforting. Self-doubt and blame have been a continuous struggle of mine throughout this entire process, and sometimes my own rationalization is simply not enough to overcome these tendencies so I will likely refer back to your comment many times in the future.

    I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to your girlfriend and that you came to understand her feelings only after she was out of your reach. For what it's worth, please know that your willingness to develop an understanding for what victims of sexual assault go through brought comfort and relief to me.

    Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.
    Happy New Year!

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  6. I'm glad you found my comment comforting. Happy new year to you too.

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