I can still picture what I was wearing that night. Multi-colored striped corduroy pants and a beige long-sleeved shirt that flared at my wrists and gathered in a “V” on my chest. My “hippy” shirt. It was December and cold. I decided to attend a holiday party at mutual
friend’s house. They were serving spiced rum cider. Yes, I had been drinking. And, by the time A.T. would walk me home, I would be wasted.
A few weeks prior, A.T. had slept over. Had we slept together? No, I was waiting until marriage. The majority of the time we had spent talking. He reached my boundary on sexual stuff, which sparked a LONG DISCUSSION ABOUT MY DESIRE TO WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE, a conversation we had also shared several times in high school.
...it was no secret that I was waiting...
The night of the Christmas party I remember sitting on his lap. As soon as my cup of spiced rum cider got low, he would jump up and refill it. What a gentleman, I thought. Stupid naivety. When he whispered into my ear that same night, I want to wait until after we get back from Christmas to do anything [physical]. I'd even wait to kiss you.” I beamed - BEAMED, ugh - dying to hear what I wanted so badly to believe, I stupidly asked, “Really? Why’s that?”
“Because you are worth waiting for.” Stupid, STUPID naivety.
I was excited that he had offered to walk me home that night. We had gone to a movie together a week prior ("Analyze That" - seeing anything about that movie still makes me cringe), and he had not walked me back to my dorm room across campus even though it was almost midnight and unsafe (we went to an urban school). I was kind of put off that he hadn't walked me home, but it seemed like he was making up for it now. I wish I would have seen through his gentleman facade. The new me would have seen what was coming. The new me would have found another way home. By the time we made it up to my room, I could barely keep my balance.
... i was wasted in the true sense of the word...
I later found out that when we arrived he had given my roommate a nod and look indicating that she was to leave the room. There were papers all over my bed because I was preparing for exams. He stacked all the papers together while I was a bumbling idiot around my room, and then he put them on my desk. I wish that's where the night had ended.