Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The morning after

I awoke fairly early the next morning. I felt light and carefree. Maybe I was still a little drunk from the night before.

I had no recollection of what had transpired once I had returned to
my dorm room the night before. But I wasn’t really trying to remember either. No reason to, really. As far as I knew, I had had an okay night. Uneventful.

I went to the restroom and noticed spots of blood. Immediately my attention zeroed in on an uncomfortable chaffing sensation that was present between my legs and parts of the night started to come back. 

A.T. ejaculating all over my stomach. Me asking, “Were you just INSIDE me?”

A.T.’s unemotional response of “no.” He wasn’t even looking at me. He grabbed his shirt, quickly wiping his semen from my stomach and putting on his clothes. Abruptly, he left my dorm room, never speaking another word.

What the hell? That can’t be right. First of all, he is always so polite, overly polite almost, described as a politician by some. He seemed so cold. He wouldn’t have responded like that. I wasn't even touching him down there. Why did he ejaculate?

I felt a pit in my stomach. Had A.T. seen an opportunity and just taken it? Even though I had been explicit in stating that wasn't in the cards just weeks prior....sober.

No, no, that couldn’t have been the case. A knows that I don’t want to have sex. He really likes me and wants to postpone physical stuff, ALL physical stuff, until we return from break.

I started concocting different scenarios in mind that would make it one big misunderstanding. I had already stated I didn't want to have sex with him, so maybe he had anal sex with me. NOT that I would have wanted that either, but I just couldn't believe that he would knowingly go against my will. I mean, we had JUST talked about it. At length. Besides, I had been so drunk, and he had known that it would be my first time, so wouldn't he have realized that I would have wanted it to be special? That I would have wanted to take part in it?!

Worse than the feelings of trying to convince myself there had been one big misunderstanding were the feelings that I deserved this to happen. Maybe because I was willing to do other things, he got confused and thought that meant I wanted to have sex. Maybe because I was doing other things, I deserved this. Maybe I am worthless. Oh, that negative downward spiral of self-blame and criticism would soon become ingrained in my thought process, long after I had blocked out that night.

"Guys will be guys, but it's up to a girl to be a lady." I put my guard down and allowed a "guy to just be a guy." Sounded so harmless, right? Yet I felt like shit. Violated. Dirty.

The more I thought about that night, the more disconnected I felt from it. From the images that would play over and over in my mind. Disconnected from myself. 

The me I had once known was gone. A strange version of her was floating above, almost completely dissociated from her tainted body. I held onto to her by a thin string. I began to feel nothing. Well, maybe nothing is an understatement. I was hyper as anything.

Exams were a few days away, and it was time to get focused. And I needed to vacuum.


  1. (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry.

    Please know that you aren't worthless. I know you that you know that now but it's still good to have others validate it. Of course you know also that he didn't misunderstand you, he wasn't confused. He simply chose to be selfish in the worst way. (((HUG)))

    I so understand the disassociating. My therapist tells me that I have built up a wall between what happened to me and my emotions. I think she is right.

    Thank you for being so open. Thank you for trusting us.

  2. Thanks so much for the validation, Jaime. My therapist actually told me something very similar, but it took me a while to realize that's what was going on. That's wonderful that you are working to develop such an awareness of yourself so early on. Thanks again for all of your support.

  3. Cool beans, I see the image in the background. :)

    You are welcome for the support, there's more of it here if you need it.

  4. Oh, yes :) I am a HUGE fan of "Fancify Your Blog" - my blog is getting fancier by the day! ;-)